Personal growth isn’t graceful.

Oh, what I would give to grow with grace. To begin the evolution to a greater plane, to remain calm in the face of chaos and come out the other end of it self-realized and ready to take on the world. Like a goddess rising out of the depths of the sea. But that isn’t the way that is goes, is it? Personal growth is a mess, especially if you’re doing it right. It’s a belly-in-the-dirt sort of squirm to the other side of the swamp. We know it, too. Before the journey even begins, we have to swallow the fact that we’ve got to lie down in the mud, in the mess of it all and flop about until the realization comes.

The problem is, most of us don’t want to get into it. We’re grown-ups, after all. Shouldn’t we have all the bits of our lives sorted out? Shouldn’t everything be running smoothly?

The truth is, even if everything is running the way it should, we are still growing. We are put to task with new experiences all the time, whether it be through parenting, relationships or even a loss. Change happens slowly, with a little bit of influence leaking into our lives, one day at a time. We need to evolve to keep living.

I’ve been told, over and over again, not to doubt myself. To go forward without wondering how I could have been better, to trust myself. To follow my instincts because my body knows what to do. But here’s the kicker: if I didn’t ask myself questions, how would I learn anything? I think questioning yourself is a good thing–I think that it means that you’re open to understanding something in a new way, a way that might enlighten your perspective. Take this advice with a grain of salt, of course.

Other inevitable factors make up new experiences, too. The passing of time welcomes momentous moments. For instance, becoming a mother. Welcoming a partner to witness your life. Saying a final goodbye to your own mother or father, to the last living bits of you that preceded your own existence here on this earth. And there are the moments we don’t welcome, too. The ones that are heart-wrenching and unbearable–the ones that call on the very depths on your person. The ones that we might never find the words to answer.

All of these things change you. They chip away at the bits of you, shaping you into the person you need to be. Personal growth is, after all, an individualized experience. It is something that is always changing, like the water moving around the rocks, shaping them slowly. Every version of you is creating a layer, each one a little more knowledgeable than the last, compacted together to make the beautiful human that you’ve become.

So if we’re welcome to the change, perhaps maybe our growth can achieve a sliver of grace. But not before we’ve bathed in our share of the muck. But like nature, our growth doesn’t discriminate. It gives us whatever allowance we can make room for. In the end, it is really up to us.